7 jokes about employees you wish you didn’t hire

Each manager hired some staff they wish they never hired. To shed light on – and also light on – losing losers, I now give you a special gift:

a. Jokes about the types of employees you wish you never hired

b. Solutions: Methods you can use – so you avoid hiring such creeps

Solutions include pre-employment testing, special interview tips and more to help you stop miserable employees on your company’s payroll.


Joke # 1 = Some employees are so lazy … even if they have a job from home, they still come late for work.

Solution: Use a pre-employment test that measures work ethics. If an applicant scores low on the work ethic scale of the test, you need to find someone with more gumption and diligence.


Joke # 2 = Some employees are so stupid … when they find out that they can apply for other jobs online, they ask, “Where does the line start?”

Admit it: You have hired some employees who have the room temperature IQ value.

You create expensive problems when you hire employees who are not smart enough for the job. They find it difficult or impossible to (a) learn the job and (2) properly solve problems that arise on the job.

Solution: Pre-employment tests of mental or cognitive abilities will help you hire people who are smart enough to learn and handle a job. Mental Ability Testing helps you measure brainpower characteristics, e.g.

* Problem solving

* Vocabulary

* Arithmetic

* Grammar

* Handling small details

It is important that you determine specific “benchmark scores” you need for each job. You do this by conducting a “benchmarking study.” Have your best employees take the mental skills before hiring. From this, you discover the test results they get. Then you may prefer to hire applicants who get pre-employment test results that are similar to your top employees.


Joke # 3 = Some employees are so bad … they would make monks curse.

Solution: A pre-employment test that predicts on-the-job behavior can help you avoid hiring ugly and evil people. On average, people can get terribly high scores on certain test scales before hiring:

* Aggressiveness

* Exciting

* Power Motivation

So if an applicant gets a high score on these test scales before hiring, you might find a better and nicer applicant.


Joke # 4 = Some employees are such criminals … they ask you to call them by their nickname – which is two letters – “JL.”

Solution: A pre-employment test that predicts potential criminal behavior can help you avoid hiring tasteless grades. Use a pre-employment reliability test, be careful when testing an applicant, and the applicant gets “high risk” or poor scores on these two test scales:

* Theft / stealing concerns

* Concern about substance abuse

For example, a pre-employment test I researched and created has the two scales along with three other scales. To investigate and develop the theft / stealing scale, hundreds of prisoners filled in prisons – convicted of stealing crimes – filled out my research questionnaires. On the drug abuse scale of the test, hundreds of people convicted of DUI and / or drug possession answered my research questionnaires. In addition, hundreds of non-thieves and non-drug addicts answer my questionnaires – to serve as comparison groups.

From the huge research project I discovered specific questions, convicted thieves or abusers responded statistically significantly differently to non-thieves or non-drug abusers.

This pre-employment test includes questions that help you differentiate (a) criminals from non-criminals and also (b) abusers from non-drug abusers.

Make sure you hire people who are unlikely to be thieves or abusers.


Joke # 5 = Some employees are so crazy … even their imaginary friends won’t play with them.

Solution: Pre-employment testing does not predict whether an applicant is mentally ill. Fortunately, a pre-employment behavior test tells if an applicant may have work-related “personality issues” that result in the person being a difficult employee.

For example, I notice that people with unpleasant work-related personality sensations often score the following on a pre-employment behavior:

* Low score on subjective response to pressure – a whiner

* Pessimistic – down-in-the-dumps and low confidence

* Very exciting – do not light a match near them

If the applicant also scores high on the pre-employment test’s aggressiveness scale, avoid that job candidate as a plague.


Joke # 6 = Some employees are so unhealthy … when they go to a club they order gravy on the rocks.

O. K. Do not include health issues in employment. Instead, focus on hiring people who can do the job.

But then your business complains of health care costs.

Question = Who reveals a lot of your company’s health costs?

A = Employees who lead unhealthy lifestyles.

“Wellness programs” emerge in businesses – to help employees transform their unhealthy lifestyle into a healthy lifestyle. If your business may need a wellness program, ask yourself if the cause is because it has hired many people who have unhealthy lifestyles, resulting in huge health care costs.

Solution: Obviously, follow the hiring rules and guidelines. But if you have an applicant who oozes unhealthy traits, you may want to see if you can find another qualified applicant who doesn’t look like death warmed over. Then you decide which one you hire.


Joke # 7 = Some employees are so cheap … they chase garbage trucks with their shopping lists.

This is a huge problem: Some executives feel excited about buying cheap products or services. But they do not outweigh the cheap costs in relation to the quality of the product or service and actual results. As you know, cheap is rarely equal to quality.

Before starting my consulting business, I was a business manager at a large company. We described such cheap leaders using this location: “Some leaders feel excited to save a nickel – but in the end they waste a neighborhood.”

Solution: In the job interview, ask for examples of purchasing decisions that the manager candidate has made. Try how they made buying decisions. Did the candidate (A) focus on buying the cheapest items or (B) analyze the quality of the product or service obtained for the costs involved? Avoid hiring leaders who are proud to do (A) – but show little or no regard for (B).


Prior employment exams and certain job interview methods help you avoid hiring people who are lazy, stupid, acting crazy or have other unwanted traits. Yes, I realize I made jokes about many types of employees that you wish you didn’t hire. The jokes are funny. But you never think it’s humorous to work with miserable employees. So use pre-employment exams and careful job interview to make sure you avoid hiring clowns.