Based on my personal experience and what I have seen from others who have also experienced divorce or divorce from parents, I believe that children of divorce are not a curable disease overnight, but a lifelong process. takes. Some divorce or separation is necessary with regard to abuse, drugs and other harmful acts at home. Regardless of the reason for divorce, the affected child never reaches its full potential. I too experienced parental divorce when I was 4 years old. I can remember not seeing my dad for days and then for weeks, until now it has been over 5 years since I saw or even spoke to him. At the age of 9 I can remember wondering why my dad is no longer in the picture. Some of the thoughts that would come to mind were, “Is it me?” Was I the cause of their divorce? “He never assured me that he loved or cared about me during those most important years. He never came to my football games to encourage me to push hard. When I look at the family structure of my peers, they all had a father to support and encourage them in those times. It never dawned on me that they might be wondering where my father was. Divorce is a personal choice made by each parent for their own sake and not for the child. When a family falls apart, it automatically sends signals to the child that one of the parents no longer cares about them or appreciates them. According to Kelly and Emery (2003), non-residential fathers report their children on average only 4 times a day. month after a divorce and About 20% of the children have no contact with the father 2 to 3 years after the divorce, mothers who do not live in the hospital visit their children more often and are less likely to stop.
As I ponder and think back to the days when I felt alone, nothing can equal the desire to have a father figure there. My biggest challenge was to make up for my father’s absence so that I felt appreciated. Statistics show that children in similar circumstances use money, drugs and promiscuity to fill these gaps and needs. Children living in intact families often experience these too, but those who are out of divorce vouch for these experiences.
Every child must have a balance of love and discipline from both mother and father. Divorce reduces their discipline and forces the parent to avoid conflict to focus more on the immediate quality that is left out of the child’s life. Those moments are also necessary in a child’s life. The absent parent never has to tell the child to turn off the TV and do homework, get up for school, because he / she is not there on school evenings.
So many life lessons have been lost and skills that would have been learned are no longer separate from the blueprint. School doesn’t teach these one-on-one coruses and it’s too late to learn the basics of life once you’re in college. A mother and father expose the child to those things that give them a balanced life. Without the whole family, there are gaps in the basics to learn.
According to (Kidshealth 2015) Once you are sure of your plans, talk to your kids about your decision to live separately. While there is no easy way to share the news, if possible, have both parents present for this conversation. It’s important to try to let out feelings of anger, guilt, or guilt. Practice telling your children how you will manage so that you don’t get upset or angry during the conversation. Getting the child involved is key to helping them adapt to any changes that will affect them during the divorce process. When my parents separated, I lived with my mother who wore the hat of both during my years with her. I was not part of the process therefore it left many questions unanswered. Children don’t need all the information, but preparing them for the coming changes in their lives is vital. All that needs to be understood is that changes will be made and it will not affect the relationship between the child and the non-custodial parent. Exposure to both physical and mental illness originates from the traumatic loss of both parents through divorce or divorce.
One consequence of a divorce is a lack of communication skills between the partner and their parents when they are adults. Being able to communicate that he / she is getting married, or even communicating well with their new partner, can be a problem. The adjustment to self-marry will be challenging as they don’t have a blueprint to model their new behavior. Therefore, parents should be on the lookout for signs of anxiety in their child or children. Young children can respond to divorce by becoming more aggressive and uncooperative or by withdrawing. Older children can feel deep sadness and loss. Their homework can suffer and behavioral problems are common. As teens and adults, divorced children may have problems with their own relationships and experience problems with self-esteem according to (AACAP, 2015).
As we begin to look at ways to overcome the most common effects of divorce in children, such as the fear of abandonment, truancy, changes in academics, disorganized behavior, and triangulation, I will discover one of the most preventive methods used in dealing with child behavior of parental separation and divorce. The preventive triangulation method is an investigation of processes that reduce external and internal conflicts within divorce settings to find solutions and reduce the impact of stress in a practical environment. PTM also increases loyalty and decreases separation anxiety in both parents within these processes. By identifying these opportunities in the early stages of the PTM process, you will also increase their chances of a successful marriage progressing into adulthood. One reason children express their feelings is because they have not developed the necessary skills to convey their feelings to an adult or their parents. Thus, the child, in turn, may develop behavioral problems in school that are reflected in their grades, become socially isolated, or use drugs. The preventive triangulation method consists of 3 different processes that identify and eliminate external and internal conflicts. The first process of PTM is to identify triggers. Self-awareness is the first and most crucial element that identifies what causes a person to become angry or upset. So when a couple is going through a separation or separation, the child should not be exposed to the negative interactions during the separation. Exposing the child to the disturbed parent or even to the legality of the divorce will create a disorganized pattern of behavior and result in a loss of loyalty to one or both parents, triggering triangulation. Therefore, PTM is widely used to prevent such behavior early in the pre-divorce process. PTM guides the couple through each phase of a divorce, identifying what, when, and most importantly, how the divorce can be most effectively communicated without stress. Other programs and divorce models do not provide parents with a roadmap to a successful divorce with an emphasis on child acceptance. One consequence of a divorce is a lack of communication skills between the partner and their parents when they are adults. Being able to communicate that he / she is getting married, or even communicating well with their new partner, can be a problem. The adjustment to self-marry will be challenging as they don’t have a blueprint to model their new behavior. Therefore, parents should be on the lookout for signs of anxiety in their child or children. Young children may respond to divorce by becoming more aggressive and uncooperative or withdrawing. Older children can feel deep sadness and loss. Their homework can suffer and behavioral problems are common. As teens and adults, divorced children may have problems with their own relationships and experience problems with their self-esteem according to (AACAP, 2015).
The Preventive Triangulation Method (PTM) is designed for the family who recognizes the need for a preventive method, and for the family who is looking for a range of processes to have a successful and smooth transition. These series of processes are:
1. Phase of Understanding – This phase is the beginning of a counseling phase that helps the child understand what is happening between his parents. By involving the child in the process, they can understand what is happening, what will happen, and how they will be affected by the divorce. This is crucial in the families where the child can diminish the emotional and psychological state of his parents. This stage also identifies the child’s behavior and exposes the data to establish self-awareness of the disorganized behavior.
2. Reassurance Phase – This phase is considered to be mind recovery. Here we hold group meetings and discuss issues with the child to promote trust and loyalty between parent and child. Triangulation is the result of infidelity and trust for a parent and the child chooses one over the other. Here we encourage a positive environment to experience that both parents are discussing the divorce to ensure that childcare will continue uninterrupted. Adult children of divorce often carry the baggage of their parents’ divorce and their distrust in relationships with a significant other in their own courtship and marriage. They tend, consciously or unconsciously, to view relationships and marriage as temporary, unstable, and threatening. They often simply wait for betrayal and rejection by their partner or spouse. Because of those fears, they often avoid a potentially permanent, committed relationship completely and either just end up alone or go through a series of non-committed, shallow relationships (Thomas Merrill)
3. Continuous Reassurance Phase – This final phase has a life cycle that continues until the child turns into an adult. The re-evaluation is done every 3 years to discover new and defeated behavior. As the child moves into a more independent role with children, we work with that adult and their child to look for patterns of disorganized behavior.
This series of processes is essential for a full recovery or preventive method to ensure continued trust and loyalty between child and non-custodial parents. The separation consists of 6 phases that PTM handles during the pre-separation and post-separation phase. These stages include emotional, legal, economic, co-parental, community, and psychological divorce. The emotional phase is a time when one or both parents are emotionally withdrawn from the relationship. During this time there is a loss of mutual respect, trust and affection. The legal phase can be quite challenging, especially when it comes to properties and children. In solving these problems, the couples are very involved with the lawyers who generally look after the interests of their client without regard for the other parent. The legal aspects can be an expensive plan. The economic phase consists of property settlement, the co-parental phase involves decisions about custody of the child, and the community phase involves changing social relationships. Usually, the spouse’s friends and family are lost as a result of the divorce. In this phase of divorce, the couples experience a state of isolation and loneliness. The psychic separation phase, the last of all, is the redefinition of the self, the process of returning to singleness. This process takes time and involves detachment from and acceptance of the break. The stage is similar to experiencing a death where the spouse distances himself and accepts the breakup. Recovery time varies from person to person, depending on the variables of the relationship.
Understanding the stages of a divorce is essential to the PTM process of knowing where each relationship is in the life cycle of a divorce. During the initial consultation, we can assess the individuals to make the right decisions to work with each client. We work with our clients throughout the life cycle of the divorce to ensure that the children from the transitioned divorced child into adulthood do not repeat the cycle. Other programs only offer conflict resolution, the basics of parenting, and maintaining positive parenting during stressful situations. We offer much more than the cookie cutter sessions and assume what may surface later in the child’s life and help monitor their kids for possible symptoms.
In conclusion, according to (Churchill, 2012) Regardless of their age, children of divorce deeply dislike the tensions and difficulties that arise from long-cherished family celebrations, traditions, daily rituals and special times and rate these changes as great losses.60 Adult children continue to see their parents’ divorce very differently from their parents. Judith Wallerstein, a San Francisco-based clinical psychologist, was the first to disturb the country in 1980 with her research into the effects of divorce on children.61 She found that 10 percent of children were positive about their parents’ divorce, but 80 percent of divorced mothers and 50 percent of divorced fathers thought the divorce was good for them 15 years after the divorce.